Chen Lang and Mrs Dalloway

In Chen Lang’s essay in memory of her late husband, Xu Xiaohong, associate professor of sociology at the University of Michigan, the devastated widow pays tribute to Xu’s talent and diligence, while revealing her own endurance and sacrifice.

Many Chinese women who value self development and readily question the patriarchal structure of society and its burdens laid upon women find resonance in this viral piece on Chinese social media.

The essay is as well an obituary to Chen’s academic aspirations, given up for the benefit of a workable marriage. Both Chen and Xu were gifted scholars, yet after their marriage, she became the family caretaker, whilst he continued his academic pursuits.

Chen’s essay also sounds like a warning to those innocent minds who believe that marrying one’s “perfect match” will result in a happy enriching relationship.

Undeniably, Chen loves her late husband, and she made her sacrifice out of her free will. Nevertheless, she likens her marriage to a zero-sum game, in which he gained as much as she lost, in terms of their individual academic careers.

She came to the sad revelation that a workable marriage should focus on its functionality. Instead of finding the soulmate, one will be better off to find a compatible life partner, similar to co-workers who shoulder different tasks and will make the business prosper. If you are obsessed with philosophy or other abstract pursuits, perhaps you should find a practical person who enjoys making money and cooking food.

I have no idea whether Chen had read “Mrs. Dalloway” by Virginia Woolf, but the novel’s titular character will certainly agree with her.

Mrs. Dalloway did meet several soulmates in her life and had her fair share of romance, the most memorable of them being Peter Walsh. But, instead of marrying Peter, she found a suitable husband in Richard, a seemingly dull person who shared no interest in her passions, such as literature.

Well, isn’t she a genius? By marrying someone spiritually aloof, she is able to preserve her independence as well as a rich and lively inner world intact. Mrs. Dalloway knows exactly who she is and what she wants, as per Woolf, “For in marriage a little license, a little independence there must be between people living together day in day out in the same house; which Richard gave her, and she him.”

Because they are so different, Mrs. Dalloway and her husband can keep the most treasured part of themselves to themselves. As they couldn’t fully understand one another, they grant each other freedom, and let each other live their own way.

With Peter, everything has to be shared, and in a patriarchal society, this “sharing” will eventually turn into Peter’s dominance. Although Peter loved Mrs. Dalloway, he would not let her be herself.

Peter expresses disgust over her partying, thinking it a rotten lifestyle of the wealthy and wishes to change her. What he doesn’t understand is that partying, as her “flag of disposition,” is proof of her strong ego and love for worldly things.

There is no right or wrong in love, which happens almost like destiny. The choices of Chen and Mrs. Dalloway led me to see the different possibilities of female destiny, especially their sacrifices and tradeoffs within a marriage. In order for everyone to see their struggles, the world needs more authentic female narratives.